This post is intended to be read as an essay. I decided to start writing small, raw essays about life and posting them here on the blog. These essays are not going to make every one of you happy. There may be some things you don’t like or that you don’t agree with. That being said, it’s important to me that these stories are told. These essays will talk about everything from drinking, to depression and anxiety, to love, to society, to whatever I feel like writing about. These essays will always appear on Tuesdays, frequency to be determined. Thanks for reading, y’all.
Past me, I’m going to be blunt: You said “I love you” too much. And, let’s be honest, you were kind of embarrassing. Most of the time I try not to think about you. You said “I love you” to just about anyone who would listen. You had such grandiose ideas about love and relationships and how life was supposed to happen. It’s funny how things work out.
The first time a boy told you he loved you, you didn’t know what to say. You were eleven, maybe twelve. He was your best friend. The boy had said it because, “That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.” You snuck the house phone into you room and whispered a quick “I love you, too” back. You didn’t really mean it but he was the first boy to break your heart.
High school you was the worst. College you is a close second but at least the embarrassing things you did then included copious amounts of alcohol. No, high school you was just… pathetic. There was the boy who took everything, the one who didn’t know what he wanted, and the one who didn’t know how to treat a woman with respect. Oh, how that last one tore you down. You pledged your love for them and you swore you were going to marry each one.
Sometimes, present me blames our parents. Marrying your high school sweet heart was all the rage back then and you wanted nothing more than to be like them. Oh, how rude your awakening was when those divorce papers were signed. Between the divorce and the self-deprecation that last guy left you in, I’m honestly surprised you made it out as well as you did. Everyone but you could see how badly you were taking it. You tried so hard to put on a brave face but it just ended up with you drowning your sorrows in a bottle or two of Burnett’s Vodka. You shunned relationships with nearly everyone of the opposite sex and sank farther and farther into borderline alcoholism and depression. It’s hard to tell which was effecting which. Was the depression making you drink or was the alcohol making you depressed? College you and high school you were so vastly different people. One had a desire to settle down and the other a desire to run. High school you said “I love you” to everyone, college you to no one.
Present me applauds you for your strength. Not many would have picked themselves up and dusted themselves off like you did. You’re resilient. And I am a better person because of that. You fought through the heart break, the emotional abuse, the alcohol, the depression and anxiety. You lived life, laughed loudly and often, and made some of the greatest friends. You took a chance and packed everything, dogs included, and moved 6+ hours away and because of your
desire to run, scratch that, bravery, I met the man of my dreams.
Honestly though, there’s a part of me left a little bitter because of all those “I love yous” you wasted on all the wrong guys. Because every time I say “I love you” or think about marrying him, a little voice in the back of my head creeps up and whispers, “You’ve said that before.” It feels cheap, somehow, to say these things to him… but I realize now that it’s not because you threw the “I love yous” and “your the ones” away so carelessly on the wrong people. No, it feels cheap because no words could ever come close to describing the way I feel about him. No words could ever come close to describing the feeling I get when he looks into my eyes or caresses my cheek with his hand. No words can ever come close to describing just how it feels to find the right one after going through so many wrong.